The Great Millenial Spitathon
TweetMy laments about the Indian cricket team got to her. Priya Raju makes a fine attempt to put an end to my sorrow. What can i say – ROTFL.
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Reading my posts, you might wrongly conclude that I have not a serious thought in my mind. At this very moment, let me assure you, that I’m thinking long & hard about spittle. This is how it all came about.
Ok, close your eyes & think about India’s performance in any sport in the world arena. For every Viswanathan Anand, Shiny Wilson and Leander Paes, we have exactly 99,952,789 talent-free zombies who think they are sports-persons. My husband, a patriot, is deeply distressed by all this. So I decided to fix this once & for all.
Sure, we were doing great in Hockey, Cricket & a few other games. As long as 2.14 other countries were playing it. In such a scenario, a medal or a cup is inevitable. It was almost enough for us to show up on time.
But soon, trouble started. The Chinese, the Koreans, the Americans, the Ukrainians (and the 190 other countries in the world) started playing all these games. Better than us. Totally inconsiderate of them, I daresay. Why, tomorrow upstarts like Vanuatu & Tonga Islands may start playing hockey & beat us pants-down.
Clearly, we need a strategy here. We should go after a sport where we have the natural inclination. No tired old shtick – we need a new game. A game where traits like team-work and discipline are not needed – we mutated & lost those traits ages ago.
We need a new game: a game where – why be humble – we Indians may be the greatest in this planet. I give you (drum-roll, please)……The Great Millenial Spitathon! Exactly what is a Spitathon? Why, the great Indian sport of spitting on the streets, of course.
You think spitting is not a sport? You narrow-minded varmint. You’ve clearly not seen a master in action. The trajectory of the spit, the speed at which it is delivered, the distance traveled – why, the possibilities boggle my mind. Not to mention the spitting mouth action – veritable gymnastics, that will give Nadia Comaneci a complex.
And the sound effects, the acoustics that go with it – I can imagine an indoor Olympic event near the wash-stand. And there is so much regional variety in spitting. Some states use paan heavily, some chew tobacco, some neither – sort of unity in diversity.
Think of all the other advantages. We don’t need special playing facilities. Any road will do for a practice session, as long as there are other people on whom one can practice. No new-fangled turf, pitch, spiked shoes or hapless coaches to blame our failures on. And there will be so much competition & skill in the country, that the selection committee will be over-whelmed.
You ask me what we should do if the French and the Brazilians latch on to Spitathon quickly & beat us? True, we must be prepared for every eventuality. Never fear, I have that covered – we can nurture 2 other games on the sly. Games where we may have total monopoly in the world: Snotathon & Peeathon.
Priya, This is too much !!
It will be difficult for performance based pay, as everyone will exceed the expectations !!
Also, there is no need for foreign coach.
– Ramesh
Good point Ramesh. What about a cap on endorsements? 🙂 – Priya
Great stuff! I wish our players read this.
I guess it’s just lack of a proper procedural set up in our country to bring out the best people. Talks about endorsements aside, we should also realise that lots of dedicated sports ppl travel unreserved coaches to reach sporting destinations. A good overhaul of the sports ministry with a capable babu of the likes of T N Seshan might just do the trick. I bet with such a diverse gene pool available, we have it in us to create world beating teams in any sport …
And then again , we too should start encouraging kids to take up sports (other than cric) at a proffesional level. AS long as we prefer routine tuition classes to morning jogs, we won’t be making any Michael Jordans 🙂
Ranjith – I agree that we place too much emphasis on getting good grades, too many good sportspeople have no support/recognition etc. But what about the pampered cricketers? They had everything you mentioned & still goofed up big time. Someone like Seshan might do the trick – Pawar just doesn’t get it, I think.
Ramesh – Yes, we’ll need ear-plugs though. There won’t be an end to their whining, bitching & moaning once they read this!
BTW, the prev. response was Priya’s. Ranjith, good point. encouraging sports should occur at all levels. If it is something we do only as some sort of backend thing to pass time, we are not going to create world beating sportspersons.
Too late…. Similar competitions are already happenning. Take a look: 🙂
Spitting Cherry:
http://www.tree-mendus.com/pit-spit/pitspit_rules.html
Pushing peanut by nose:
http://www.aaaugh.com/meiss/humor/pinc.html
Also, I have seen a video on Youtube for Boogy throwing competition. And believe me they were serious.
Milind – They stole my thunder then. Nevertheless, it proves that my idea is sound. Spitathon is India’s salivation – er, salvation.
– Priya
Thanks Harish. I think I’ll send this to Tendulkar. He was whining about Chappell’s comments recently. Here is a great career move for the likes of him: no coaches!
– Priya
check out a good spoof on sachin tendulkar at http://swara.blogspot.com
– Mukund
Thanks Mukund – Priya.
\\You think spitting is not a sport? You narrow-minded varmint. You’ve clearly not seen a master in action. The trajectory of the spit, the speed at which it is delivered, the distance traveled – why, the possibilities boggle my mind. Not to mention the spitting mouth action – veritable gymnastics, that will give Nadia Comaneci a complex.
hahaha…. what an idea!!!! 😆
how come in Titanic, Jack knew about this game already???? maybe great minds think alike!!! 😉
Bluediamond – Thanks for your comment.
Say, I hadn’t thought about Jack Dawson in a while. Didn’t he teach Rose this great sport? Goes to prove my point that people across the world can & will appreciate this game. Perhaps I’ll start an ISL – Indian Spitting League 🙂
ISL??!!! phew!! how come you come up with such ideas man!!! 😆
Bluediamond – You like da name? I’m tired of Mallya, SRK & Zinta making all the money. Its time we raked in some, so I made an “inspired” choice 😀 Hee hee hee!! Now, I need to find some “athletes” to auction off, so I’m off to the nearest paan shop to spy on some top performers.